In our lives, we go through many different transitions. I think I resist these natural transitions, even as I welcome them. Sometimes I feel like I am rebelling against or ignoring these changes in my life. However, most of the time, I don’t notice this attitude in myself. When I started organizing again, I found many items that proved that I silently protest the transitions in my life- and it might be the reason why I hold onto excess “stuff”. Are the teaching materials still in the study to remind myself that I had a life before I had a baby? Are there still infant products in my daughter’s room because I am protesting that she is growing up so fast? Or perhaps I am protesting the miscarriage I suffered… mourning the loss of the baby that will never come. I also have clothes in the closet that don’t fit me anymore. I originally thought seeing those clothes everyday was a positive- these are the clothes that I will fit into when I lose weight. But now I see it as a negative—these are the clothes I am too big to fit into. Am I protesting the weight that I gained?
My grandma died of cancer years ago. Scattered throughout my house I have mementos from her- cards she sent me, gifts she gave me. Some of these things mean nothing to me, other than the fact that they were gifts from her. Still I cling to these items as if I am trying to prove that she existed.
My mother is also a teacher and coach. She’s a good mother and a wonderful teacher (and grandma). She gave exhaustive amounts of time to her students through the years. As I grew up, she tried very hard not to baby me or give me too much “special attention” as she had many students to take care of. She was also a fan of the whole “don’t make waves” quote. She loved me and took care of my needs, but there was something lacking. Maybe it was empathy- she cared more about what the neighbors thought than what I thought. Instead of validating my feelings, she played Devil’s Advocate every time you told her something unfair, no matter how ridiculous it was. It did wonders for my self esteem for my mother to be harsh about my behavior, but to easily excuse other people’s behavior. All I wanted was for my mother to acknowledge my feelings, to understand me, to tell me she was proud of me. We had a strange relationship. We got along best when I didn’t tell her anything too personal. When I graduated from high school, when I was in college, and even after I graduated and was married… my mom finally felt compelled to tell me how she felt about me. At least in her own way- she bought me numerous mushy “Daughter” quote books, children’s books about mothers who love their children, wall decorations about how important I am to her. The excess of receiving all of it within 10 years seems insincere, yet I kept them. But these items are not the same as hearing it from her, so I can let go now.
As I learn to let go, organizing is getting easier- is that the secret of organizing? When I get rid of the excess stuff, I am making peace with the past and I am accepting the present so I can be more realistic about the future.
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